FBB: Epilogue Laura Bruce

I know that one time in class, Spring asked us to write about something we've denied. Ever since then, I've thought a lot about the things I try not to acknowledge and it breaks my heart.
Three of my classes this year are on how humans negatively affect the Earth. Going into my freshman year of college, it wasn't at all what I was expecting. I'm not this huge go-green protester that's all about healthy choices and healthy living. I'm a quiet person who recycles and tries not to leave to much of an impact. But now, I realize the way I've been raised and the way I live my life leads me to just see the sunny days and breathe in the fresh air and pretend that all the bad isn't there. I would love to say that now that I've had these classes, I'm much more conscious and I make much more of an effort to be healthy for the environment. Unfortunately, I can't say that. I feel swamped with all of this information. I'm overwhelmed with how awful humanity can truly be. And with all of that, I feel like there is absolutely nothing I could ever do to make a difference. I am aware how day in and day out I am consciously choosing to ignore the problems with the world and I deny that anything is wrong. I choose to close my eyes and everyday my eyes are torn open over and over again. I'll be doing my assignments for class and start crying uncontrollably.
I would love to tell you that these classes have been good for me. And I suppose in some ways they are. They have taught me to think more, and to question things I don't have a clear answer to. But I also feel depression loom over me from time to time. Depression is something I have fought, as I know many others have as well, and for years I was happy to say it was something I had overcome. Now...now I can't always say that. There are other factors that come into play, but everything I've read and learned so far has brought me lower and lower into a black hole that I pretend is not surrounding me.
And thus I show up. I take notes. I sit quietly and smile and nod. I eat with my friends, I hang out, I don't talk about the subjects that bring me to tears.
I am doing what Iversen was doing for a long time.
I close my eyes and I live.